I was raised in a somewhat religious household. We used to go to church every Sunday and I used to believe in God. At some point, probably about 20 years ago, I started labeling myself as agnostic. I know there are aspects of the human experience that can't be entirely studied by science, and that science has its limitations, but I tend to stick to what I can prove, what I can see. I like to think of myself as a logical person, even though I believe we as a species are less logical than we think we are. We're driven by feelings instead.
That being said, there have been a couple of moments in my life where I feel like I have to do things, or that things have to happen. The only way I can describe it is that, although I don't know the details, I get this impression, this feeling, that those are things that have already happened in the future. If that even makes sense.
That was the way I was able to put it into words when I told my wife, who was then my girlfriend, or I guess my fiancée, that I felt like we were already married in the future. And it wasn't because I'm a romantic person. She'll be the first one to tell you that I'm the coldest and probably least romantic person she knows. I don't know if that has anything to do with the possibility that maybe I'm a little bit on the spectrum, although I have not been diagnosed with anything like that, and that's entirely a topic for another day. Anyway, when I said it, I meant it. I felt like it was something that was going to happen, that had already happened in a way, but in the future.
Years later was the second time I felt that. I was having a better income and I was looking at ways to invest it, and we decided to buy another house so that my wife could start her home-based business. I had that feeling of "I don't really want to do this, but it's something that has to happen, because it has already happened." It felt like destiny. I know I'm repeating myself a lot, but it was as if it had already happened in the future, so I had to go on that path.
Lately I've started to feel that way again, although not quite as intensely, about continuing with my plans for an IT services business. I've been thinking about that idea for about five years. At some point I've done a little bit of side jobs with my computer knowledge and my technical expertise, but never really as a dedicated, real business with the intent of growing it.
I don't know if it's just my subconscious accepting that this is my next step, or just deciding it's the next thing I have to do, or if the timing starts feeling right and this is just the way I've started to perceive it. But I'm curious about this feeling that I need to actually make the effort to have an IT or tech-related business. I don't even know if that means it's a good idea, or an assurance that it will turn out well, or that I'll be successful. It just feels like something I have to try, something I have to do.
Which sucks for me, because I don't want to. I'm afraid.
In another moment, when I was meditating about my own personality, I realized something. No one really likes to be wrong or to make mistakes or to look stupid, but I think there's more to it for me. Even though I don't try to base my personality or my self-worth (anymore) on the idea that I'm smart, I feel like I've always thought of myself as a little bit more intelligent than average, although not a genius. I'm not saying that to boast, it's just the way I've always felt. And I know the traditional way of measuring intelligence sometimes has little to do with performance in the real world, or with success, but it used to be a big part of how I felt about myself. So I think my fear of jumping into the unknown, into a business, and looking stupid and failing is tied to that.
Either way, I'm starting to believe that this is something I have to do, because I already did it in the future. It's not as intense a feeling just yet, but I feel like it's only gonna get stronger.